MaNIc…

Today I am manic. Very. My thoughts are bouncing all around and I can’t settle them. I can’t sit still. I’ve aimed to kill. 😉

No hope???

Today I woke up angry and sad. That is all.

Hope???

I woke up feeling, ummm, hopeful today??? The lithium and Prozac seem to be helping. I just wish they helped more with the anxiety and paranoia. Maybe they will the longer I take them. I mean, I haven’t even been on my meds for an entire week yet. Thursday will be one week.

The hubs tells me that he can already see a difference in how I react to things. Maybe there’s hope.

We shall see…

How I feel today…

Racing, racing.

Today, I feel really anxious. I feel like my kids are getting on my nerves so bad that I can’t stand it. They’re just being normal, rowdy kids, too. I guess it’s just me. I mean, my heart is racing. I just feel like I can’t catch my breath. I don’t know what it is but, I hope it’s not the medicine. I felt like this before when I would have a panic attack but, it’s not so bad that it’s a full on panic attack. But, it’s not something that I can just ignore, either. I don’t feel very good today and yesterday I was kind of manic. Today I’m just blah on speed. I’ll write more later. If my heart doesn’t explode.

Day One, Complete.

So, I completed one full day of medication and I’m living to tell about it! I took my Prozac yesterday (20 mg yesterday morning at 9 o’clock with my morning dose of lithium) and at first, it was cool. Then, about an hour after I took it, I just got, kind of like, a nervous energy and I couldn’t really sit still. I tried to go to Walmart to get groceries and I swear to God I stood and looked at the salads for about five minutes! I was just looking at the pretty lettuces!!! I couldn’t make a decision to save my life! However, the more time that passed (after taking the meds) I started feeling better and, by last night, I was not feeling jittery or anything like that. 9 o’clock pm, I took the other 300 mg of lithium. So, that completed my entire first dose of medicine!

I’m feeling pretty positive about it and I’m hoping that it’s gonna help me out. I obviously hope the nervous energy goes away, seeing as how I have social anxiety disorder and because it kind of makes you feel like you want to claw your skin off. But, I’m sure once I get used to it I won’t feel that way anymore.

I really have nothing else to report. I just wanted, you know, to keep track in case I “lose time” again. I am pretty manic today, then again, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder does that to a girl. I just hope it helps some with the personality disorders as well.

First dose… Again.

Yesterday was day one of lithium… again. I’ve taken it before when I was younger but I haven’t been on any medication for the past 12 or so years. I’ve been trying to self help and I think I just made myself worse. My first dose of lithium carbonate was last night, 300 mg. This morning I’m supposed to take another 300 mg. So, 300 mg in the morning, 300 mg at night, and in the morning I’m also taking 20 mg of Prozac.

I’ve been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a couple more things (having to do with paranoia) that I don’t really remember the correct names for because, well, I really didn’t listen. Not true, to be honest, because I was crying so hard. I couldn’t hear well. I am believed to have some sort dissociative disorder as well. I don’t believe I have multiple personalities I don’t believe that each one of my personalities has a name. So, I don’t know about this new one yet. I think I do have a different personality sometimes and I do have blocks of time that I don’t remember. I have days and hours and sometimes years that I don’t remember. I can kind of remember things when people show me pictures or talk about stories from when I was younger. but for the most part it’s like I’m watching a television show or movie of someone else’s life with me paying the consequences for actions that that person has chosen or the situations that that person has been thrust in.

I didn’t ask to start being sexually abused by my uncle when I was a toddler. I didn’t ask to be born, for that matter. Yes, I’m defective, definitely. And this is something that I’m struggling with and I wanted to get help because I want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. I want to be a good mom to my boys. They deserve that. I want to be happy and productive and present. I don’t want to live in the hollow, empty holes of my mind anymore.

Anyway, I was just writing to report my first dose of lithium has been taken and other than me waking up at 3:04 in the morning and staying awake from then on, I didn’t really notice any other side effects. Well, I did throw up, but I’ve been throwing up for a couple of weeks now just because of the anxiety and stress. I have social anxiety and it’s made my blood pressure higher than normal. I did definitely notice about an hour after I took the lithium that I could smell things more vibrantly and some of the smells made me nauseous and I did throw up. Other than that and the sleep, I haven’t noticed anything else so now I am off to take a second dose of lithium and my first dose of Prozac in over 12 years and hopefully this is the road that I need to be on and hopefully I’ve found doctors that I will be able trust and rely on.

The day?

Today is the day of my drs appointment. I didn’t sleep all night last night and I’ve thrown up a million times today in anticipation.

I wish it were as easy for me to travel outside as it is for others. But, it’s not.

Ok. I will write more after the appointment. Unless they commit me. :p

Scared a bit.

Tomorrow is the day that I go to the new doctor. I’m going for my mental health issues and I am extremely nervous about this. I haven’t been treated for over 12 years and I’m completely off of all my medication. This has not proven well for me. I thought that I could go cold turkey and if I didn’t talk about my mental health issues then they would just go away. However, everything seems to have flooded back even harder and faster and more violent than before. I am I’m having a hard time dealing with my issues. I’m having a hard time wanting to leave my house. I pretty much avoid all social situations and people. I just, I hate people I don’t want to be around them, I don’t want to hear from them, I just, I don’t know, I just don’t want to be around anybody. My moods are cycling pretty rapidly I would say 5 to 6 times a week. I wake up happy, sort of, thinking that it’s going to be a good day and then I’m just not able to handle life that day, or today or whenever, and I just I can’t. I have so many memories and so much anger and hostility and I don’t understand why ME? Why? I mean, it’s not just me. I know it’s not just me but I feel so alone and I feel so insecure and, fuck, i dont know, I feel like the things that happened to me, if i cant move from, or pass, if I can’t move on from them then I’m just wasting my time being here and I don’t want to be that way I want to live my life I want to have a good life. A productive life. I want to be happy. More than that, I want to be sane.

New doc. New life?

Tomorrow is my appointment with my new doctor. Am I going to go? Will I cancel (at the last minute) as I always do? Or (((gasp))) will I actually go? Who really knows at this point. I hope I do. Wish me luck and I will keep you posted.

Hydrangeas have always been one of my favorite flowers.