Yesterday was day one of lithium… again. I’ve taken it before when I was younger but I haven’t been on any medication for the past 12 or so years. I’ve been trying to self help and I think I just made myself worse. My first dose of lithium carbonate was last night, 300 mg. This morning I’m supposed to take another 300 mg. So, 300 mg in the morning, 300 mg at night, and in the morning I’m also taking 20 mg of Prozac.
I’ve been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and a couple more things (having to do with paranoia) that I don’t really remember the correct names for because, well, I really didn’t listen. Not true, to be honest, because I was crying so hard. I couldn’t hear well. I am believed to have some sort dissociative disorder as well. I don’t believe I have multiple personalities I don’t believe that each one of my personalities has a name. So, I don’t know about this new one yet. I think I do have a different personality sometimes and I do have blocks of time that I don’t remember. I have days and hours and sometimes years that I don’t remember. I can kind of remember things when people show me pictures or talk about stories from when I was younger. but for the most part it’s like I’m watching a television show or movie of someone else’s life with me paying the consequences for actions that that person has chosen or the situations that that person has been thrust in.
I didn’t ask to start being sexually abused by my uncle when I was a toddler. I didn’t ask to be born, for that matter. Yes, I’m defective, definitely. And this is something that I’m struggling with and I wanted to get help because I want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend. I want to be a good mom to my boys. They deserve that. I want to be happy and productive and present. I don’t want to live in the hollow, empty holes of my mind anymore.
Anyway, I was just writing to report my first dose of lithium has been taken and other than me waking up at 3:04 in the morning and staying awake from then on, I didn’t really notice any other side effects. Well, I did throw up, but I’ve been throwing up for a couple of weeks now just because of the anxiety and stress. I have social anxiety and it’s made my blood pressure higher than normal. I did definitely notice about an hour after I took the lithium that I could smell things more vibrantly and some of the smells made me nauseous and I did throw up. Other than that and the sleep, I haven’t noticed anything else so now I am off to take a second dose of lithium and my first dose of Prozac in over 12 years and hopefully this is the road that I need to be on and hopefully I’ve found doctors that I will be able trust and rely on.
MyOwnWayJenny 